Permanency

The idea of consistency and permanency doesn't sit well with me. I have grown up in a home where furniture is always moving, sofas are always changing, even a vehicle was rare to be driven for more than 2 years. Change has always been a part of my life, which I am thankful for because it has given me the ability to say goodbye to things with some amount of ease and it certainly taught me that it was pointless to grow attached to a mere material object that was sure to disappear at some point or another. An acceptance and almost drive towards change does have its downfalls, though.

It is hard for me to grow close to people at times, and I certainly do not expect them to be there in the end. This has saved me from many heartaches and hurts, but it has also prevented me from being able to build long-lasting relationships that can encourage me and help me grow in my walk with God. The idea of a constant God who is always there and who will never leave me is just one more thing that is near impossible for me to grasp. It is hard for me to hold anything in my life as a constant, it is hard for me to trust something to be there forever.

I know that this has definitely been a hindrance in my relationship with God. There are times when my faith in Him falters, when I don't think that He will be there until the end, but I am beginning to realize that this weakness that I have is just one way Satan tries to disband me from God. It is frustrating, but I am certain that I can work through it. Where I am weak, God is strong. Whether I believe it or not is pointless when the fact is that He is and always will be there. My doubts can't change that, and I know that. So instead, I am allowing God to work in my to rid these doubts.

I cannot be successful in life if I am not doing what God has for me, and I cannot do what God has planned for me if I am not willing to trust in Him.

even sinners love

I've been thinking a lot lately about love. Unconditional love, to be more exact. I am in a bible study that is currently going through Luke. One of the chapters that has stuck out to me is Luke 6, specifically verses 27-36.

²⁷"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. ²⁹ To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. ³⁰ Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. ³¹And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

³² "If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. ³³And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. ³⁴And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. ³⁵But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. ³⁶ Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

Reading this, I immediately thought of how I have absolutely failed at being an unconditional lover.

I have read this passage numerous times. I have seen these words, listened to sermons on these words, but never did I think to check that I was applying it. You see, as a church-going Christian, I did what all "good" Christians are to do. I found a group of other "good" Christian friends who I could be close to and who would hold one another accountable and point out weaknesses and strengths and encourage a more genuine and legitimate walk with God. The problem with this is that us Christian's got caught in our Christian bubble. Every so often, another person would be added to the bubble, which was great. However, as it would happen whenever more than one gather together consistently, problems began to arise. People began to hurt one another. Where we were once encouraging and loving towards each other, we became bitter and judgmental. Somehow, our friends, our brothers and sisters in Christ, became our enemies.

God created us in His image. Jesus set an example of how to live. The Holy Spirit dwells in us, guiding and directing us. It is easy to love when that love is reciprocated. It is easy to encourage others who also encourage you. It is easy to be nice and friendly to those that will return it. What isn't easy is to be those things and to do those things to the ones who hurt you, to the ones who seem to make no progress.

God's mercy upon us is incredible. It is something that we could never begin to fathom, yet we too are supposed to have mercy upon one another. We are supposed to LOVE one another, and we are supposed to love unconditionally.

The Bible has made it clear, in my opinion, that there is no justification to show hatred towards one another. There is no justification for an unforgiving heart. Even the most difficult people, we must love. Even the most irritating and obnoxious, we must forgive. The grudges that we hold against one another are not furthering the Kingdom and they certainly are not showing Christ. Love is hard, and choosing to love one another is even harder, but an easy life is not what we have been called to.

You tell me all, but time will tell

And expose the lies you’ve hidden well

Breathe in, the truth

Breathe out, a lie

And keep it all tied very loose

Let one go, snatch it back

I’ve reason to believe

That of all the fools

You are the greatest

I cannot wait until the day

Your empty words come back to haunt you

And you are left with nothing else

Aside from your vices

And the one who claimed to know

Who you threw aside

Who kept on waiting

The only one who is foolish enough

To continue believing

To continue hoping

A pathetic duo

Yes, quite the pair

One a liar, and the other

With nothing to despair

A picture once so beautiful

Now wilted from affairs

Both of the heart and the body

Oh, nothing quite compares

Keep on talking

With succulent words

Passing battered barriers

Keep on speaking

It’s you who needs convincing

Know this, though, that someday

When the night is still

And no one will hear

That it is you who needs fixing

(un) productivity

Today I am sick. I slept, a lot. Needless to say it has been one of the least productive days that I have had in a long time. I don't like that. I hate getting to the end of a day and having nothing to show for it, and I hate having migraines and being sore and not being able to breathe properly.

Speaking of breathing, I think that it's weird that we can breathe through our nose and our mouth, but it makes sense because they are connected. Why, though, can't we breathe through our ears. That'd be pretty sweet, especially if they didn't get congested whenever you had a cold...I'm just thinking, it'd be weird, but nice.

Anyways, back to my unproductive day. I have a large list of things to do for April, and I'm anxious for April to start so that I can accomplish those things. Since I didn't make a list for March, I've just taken each day as it comes and made semi lists for those days, and have also not accomplished all of those things. March has been a very unproductive, yet extremely busy, month. I did finish reading Crazy Love, though, which I recommend to anyone, and I also bought a study guide on Proverbs because I love Proverbs.

I also realized that I am passionate about these two things: home making and clerical work

I'm such a woman...

I just finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and it was one of the better books that I have read in a while. The love and grace of God is incomprehensible, and our disobedience and apathy towards Him is sad, but we are all guilty of it.

I've been getting frustrated lately, mostly by people, and loving them has been quite a challenge. The truth is, on my own I don't know how to love people the way they need to be loved. I don't know how to show kindness at the (extremely) idiotic statements made by some, but I am called to do so. It has taken me some time to realize that it is only through a changing of my own heart that I'll be able to do so, and that it is God who will do just that.

Tellings of the Heart

You’re the be all, end all

My only exigent

there are the moments

With anticipation rising

I can feel my heart falling,

Falling fast, then raising up

fears receding for a moment

And then the next advancing



Oh, forlorn souls!

On me, you take such pity

Though I can hardly manage

To even mock sympathy



I’ve just my words,

A sharpened tongue

Quick to protect a wary heart

With which I’ve learned

At a young age

Is the key to advancing



I apologize, right now

Though deserving of quite more

For the inconvenient timing

And for always seeking more

There are a few things I love about poetry, the main one being that I am able to get a majority of my frustrations and thoughts out, without having to tell anyone what they are, because quite frankly, ambiguity is much safer than vulnerability. However, sometime within the next week or so I should have a real post, not just a poem. I am planning on tackling the avalanche of junk that has seemed to overtake my room as well, so this should be exciting.

Relief

No need to worry

For time has told it’s tale

And all we thought

Has turned out not

To the dismay of many

No need to be distraught, you see

I’ve made my mind

On a few things

Though others still persist

I cannot help

What my heart wants not

And right now, all is well

It seems a wearing load is

Lifted off, has set us free

To enjoy our reverie

--Jessica Alcantara

Roots

I love vivid dreams. I've been having more of them lately, and I always want to remember them, but I never do. There is only one that I remember in particular and it was probably my favorite.

I was in the mountains somewhere, but all of the colors were enhanced somehow. There was some man there, but I have no idea who. He was petting a coyote. Which is strange, because I absolutely hate coyotes, but he was beckoning me to follow. So I did. But the way the moon and the stars popped out against the black sky, reflected on the lake below was absolutely gorgeous.

I want to see that in real life, I'd rather do without the coyotes. A nice dog would suffice, I think. Either way, I want to go somewhere where I am surrounded by nature and by the beauty of everything that was created by God. Man's creations pale miserably in comparison to the natural surroundings they tear down. Industrialization will always be a kind of ugly to me. The rows and rows of cookie cutter houses with 6 feet separating them will always make me feel as though I cannot breathe.

My mind will likely never be able to fathom the ease with which we, as humans, seem to have in destroying the beauty of this world to make room for our own.

God created this earth, and it was good. I hope that someday I can live somewhere and in a way so that my children will have a full appreciation for this goodness.

Excuse me as I stumble through these awkwardly written words to get to my point. It's the way that I work, but I'll do my best to avoid speaking (or writing) discursively.

I have realized a few things about my life. First being, that it isn't mine. Second being, that until I stop acting like it's mine, I'm going to be discontent.

Life has been something to endure, never something to embrace. I've taken on challenges, pain, and hurt with a vigor, but have left little room to enjoy. Yes, I am strong, but what use is this strength if I have become so used to the challenges, that it is the only thing I allow myself to experience? Even more importantly, what use is this strength if I let it become outweighed by fear.

Strength is important, and the God-given strength that I have has been what enables me to go from one point to the other, but this same strength has become a sort of crutch.

I have been strong, but somewhere along the way I forgot how to be weak, and while strength is important, weakness is too.

Weaknesses remind me that I am a mere human.

Weaknesses remind me that God is stronger.

Weaknesses force me to trust in Him.

Weaknesses force me to realize that I cannot do things on my own.

And honestly, those are hard things to accept.

Somehow, I have let my strength become my weakness, and in fear of losing this strength I have allowed myself to be shut off to scenarios, situations, experiences, anything that reveals that I am weak. I will do this no more.

Slowly, I am learning to be thankful for my weaknesses, because they remind me that God is always bigger, always better. Yes, He will strengthen them, but it is all His doing, and all for His glory. He builds me up so others may see His work. He strengthens me, not to show my abilities, but to show His. If I had no weaknesses, if I do not admit to them, and do not show them, it would be impossible for Him to do this.

And the beginning of wisdom is this

Worried about something? Don't be.

Stressed? Just stop.

My initial reaction to hearing things things is normally to list off half a dozen reasons about why I am justified about worrying (because of course, the problem is big) and stressing (and you know, the problem is just SO complicated). Yet, as of late I've come to the realization, that there is no way that I can truly claim that my faith in God is strong, and do these things.

Think about it, how many times does God direct us to not worry? How often does He tell us to not be afraid? Look at Matthew 6: 25-34, Joshua 1:9, John 14:1, or how about all of those verses in Psalms? Verses that many Christians come across time and time again. We read them, we see them, we know what they mean...when do we start living it? Are our problems so big that God cannot handle them? Are they so complex that God is unable to understand them? Our problems are nothing in comparison to God's wisdom and guidance. There are no circumstances under which my worry is justified. After all, do I not believe in the Most High God? The Creator of All Things? He is all knowing, He is powerful. He is big. So why worry?

And this stress and anxiety? Is it worth it? "An anxious heart weighs a man down" Proverbs 12:25

I know that for me, when I am stressed, I am not joyful. Does God not tell me to be joyful always? To rejoice in everything I do? So if I am being joyful always, rejoicing in everything, why am I stressed? I am not a pretty person when I have stress. I am worn out. I am bitter. I am negative. I am everything that I, as a follower of Christ, should not be. Are my problems so complicated that they merit this negative behavior that does not at all bring glory to God? I think not.

I really think that the root of the problem is this: when we worry and stress, God is not the core of our focus. Thoughts aren't centered on God, they are centered on ourselves. How selfish are we? How selfish am I? To think that anything about myself is so big that it merits a complete lack of obedience towards God's word?

I yearn to be focused solely on God, and I pray that those around me have this same desire. I truly do believe that it isn't until God is the main focus, until our hearts are pointed completely towards Him, that we will be at peace and that we will stop worrying and stop stressing.

Actions speak loud, and I know that I am guilty of having a loud mouth and quiet actions. This should not be the case. A self-centered life is not what we were created for. Believe it, know it, understand it, and most importantly, live it.

"It's more beautiful than I'd think.

No reservations, limited hesitations

Gone is the life, gone is the green

Still, though, it is beautiful.

Stark and bare, twisted hands

fingers worn down from a harsh wind.

Still, though, it is beautiful"

I was perusing through some old journals, and found this. I was confused, at first, because I had no idea what I was thinking when I wrote it, and then I remembered, and if my memory is correct, then this is about a tree...which kind of makes me laugh a lot.

New Years Progress Report: number one

Or should I say numero uno?

I've done well since sunday. Yes, I realize that today is Tuesday and I technically only had one day (well if you count today two) to put anything into practice. But you should also realize that this is (sadly) very good for me.

Although, the fact that I began writing this 40 minutes ago and have only gotten this much written should give you a look into how I'm doing in the procrastination area...and that would be not so well.

I've read the Bible multiple times in the past three days though. Read it, got it, loved it, and read more.

I bought a new copy of Crazy Love along with Forgotten God. When Day of Liberation comes in 9 days I plan on reading both of those, along with Captivating, and probably half a dozen more books . I can taste the freedom, and it tastes great.

The only thing I have left to do in AP Lit&Comp is the final, which will be hellish for sure, but the thought is reassuring nonetheless.

I suppose I should work more on my procrastinating problem (which wasn't bad, then got bad, then got good, and is now bad again) and work on my spanish junk for tomorrow, which includes part 2 of 3 of the Final.

Food for thought?

The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom; get insight. Proverbs 4:7

2010: My Favorite Ends.

One of my goals this year is to not procrastinate, and let me tell you how that's going.

Not well, not well at all. I was supposed to do this post about three days ago, but I suppose later is better than never.

Among not procrastinating, worrying less is also on my list of things to do...that hasn't gone too well either. I actually had planned on writing down a list of everything that I wanted to accomplish this year, and I never did do it, which is probably why none of these things (along with the fact that I'm lacking in the self-discipline department) are happening.

So today is my January 1st.

Productivity is probably at an all time low on the actual 1st anyways, because everyone is too tired from staying up all night to really do anything.

The 2nd - well I don't really have a good excuse for not doing this yesterday, but that's besides the point.

Today is January 3rd, and after two days of doing nothing, I am ready to begin my new year.

There are a few things that I really want to do differently from last year, and I'm excited for tomorrow to start so I can really put my new goals and thoughts into practice (it's 10:13 at night right now, so I only have a couple of hours left to do anything, and seeing as how I'm laying in bed...well tomorrow is a better day).

I have a hard time getting into habits, which is both good and bad. Good, because I don't get into bad habits easily. Bad, because I also don't get into good habits either.

I am planning on making reading my Bible a daily habit. I am determined to make this happen. I really think that not being in school for a large part of the time (did I mention I only have to go to that awful place 10 more times?) will help immensely.

I am also hoping to start running again. I really miss it...I'm sick of this cold winter. I need to find a cheap gym.

Along with those things, I am going to restart my budget and tweak it around so that it fits better for me. I'm excited to do this. I'm excited to save money.

But the first thing that I am going to do, the thing I am most excited for, is making some tamales, crocheting scarves, and helping take care of what I'm pretty certain will be the most awesome baby of 2010. I'm going to make Martha Stewart proud.

This year will certainly be different from previous ones, and this is quite exciting to me. I'm looking forward to the new challenges, the growth, and the maturation that will come from the year. I'm mainly looking forward to the fact that for about 7 months of this year I will not be a student. That's a refreshing thought.

Well, it's probably time to accomplish some of goal number 1. and 2 simultaneously (blogging right now was really my way of doing what I like to call productive procrastination).