Excuse me as I stumble through these awkwardly written words to get to my point. It's the way that I work, but I'll do my best to avoid speaking (or writing) discursively.

I have realized a few things about my life. First being, that it isn't mine. Second being, that until I stop acting like it's mine, I'm going to be discontent.

Life has been something to endure, never something to embrace. I've taken on challenges, pain, and hurt with a vigor, but have left little room to enjoy. Yes, I am strong, but what use is this strength if I have become so used to the challenges, that it is the only thing I allow myself to experience? Even more importantly, what use is this strength if I let it become outweighed by fear.

Strength is important, and the God-given strength that I have has been what enables me to go from one point to the other, but this same strength has become a sort of crutch.

I have been strong, but somewhere along the way I forgot how to be weak, and while strength is important, weakness is too.

Weaknesses remind me that I am a mere human.

Weaknesses remind me that God is stronger.

Weaknesses force me to trust in Him.

Weaknesses force me to realize that I cannot do things on my own.

And honestly, those are hard things to accept.

Somehow, I have let my strength become my weakness, and in fear of losing this strength I have allowed myself to be shut off to scenarios, situations, experiences, anything that reveals that I am weak. I will do this no more.

Slowly, I am learning to be thankful for my weaknesses, because they remind me that God is always bigger, always better. Yes, He will strengthen them, but it is all His doing, and all for His glory. He builds me up so others may see His work. He strengthens me, not to show my abilities, but to show His. If I had no weaknesses, if I do not admit to them, and do not show them, it would be impossible for Him to do this.

And the beginning of wisdom is this

Worried about something? Don't be.

Stressed? Just stop.

My initial reaction to hearing things things is normally to list off half a dozen reasons about why I am justified about worrying (because of course, the problem is big) and stressing (and you know, the problem is just SO complicated). Yet, as of late I've come to the realization, that there is no way that I can truly claim that my faith in God is strong, and do these things.

Think about it, how many times does God direct us to not worry? How often does He tell us to not be afraid? Look at Matthew 6: 25-34, Joshua 1:9, John 14:1, or how about all of those verses in Psalms? Verses that many Christians come across time and time again. We read them, we see them, we know what they mean...when do we start living it? Are our problems so big that God cannot handle them? Are they so complex that God is unable to understand them? Our problems are nothing in comparison to God's wisdom and guidance. There are no circumstances under which my worry is justified. After all, do I not believe in the Most High God? The Creator of All Things? He is all knowing, He is powerful. He is big. So why worry?

And this stress and anxiety? Is it worth it? "An anxious heart weighs a man down" Proverbs 12:25

I know that for me, when I am stressed, I am not joyful. Does God not tell me to be joyful always? To rejoice in everything I do? So if I am being joyful always, rejoicing in everything, why am I stressed? I am not a pretty person when I have stress. I am worn out. I am bitter. I am negative. I am everything that I, as a follower of Christ, should not be. Are my problems so complicated that they merit this negative behavior that does not at all bring glory to God? I think not.

I really think that the root of the problem is this: when we worry and stress, God is not the core of our focus. Thoughts aren't centered on God, they are centered on ourselves. How selfish are we? How selfish am I? To think that anything about myself is so big that it merits a complete lack of obedience towards God's word?

I yearn to be focused solely on God, and I pray that those around me have this same desire. I truly do believe that it isn't until God is the main focus, until our hearts are pointed completely towards Him, that we will be at peace and that we will stop worrying and stop stressing.

Actions speak loud, and I know that I am guilty of having a loud mouth and quiet actions. This should not be the case. A self-centered life is not what we were created for. Believe it, know it, understand it, and most importantly, live it.

"It's more beautiful than I'd think.

No reservations, limited hesitations

Gone is the life, gone is the green

Still, though, it is beautiful.

Stark and bare, twisted hands

fingers worn down from a harsh wind.

Still, though, it is beautiful"

I was perusing through some old journals, and found this. I was confused, at first, because I had no idea what I was thinking when I wrote it, and then I remembered, and if my memory is correct, then this is about a tree...which kind of makes me laugh a lot.

New Years Progress Report: number one

Or should I say numero uno?

I've done well since sunday. Yes, I realize that today is Tuesday and I technically only had one day (well if you count today two) to put anything into practice. But you should also realize that this is (sadly) very good for me.

Although, the fact that I began writing this 40 minutes ago and have only gotten this much written should give you a look into how I'm doing in the procrastination area...and that would be not so well.

I've read the Bible multiple times in the past three days though. Read it, got it, loved it, and read more.

I bought a new copy of Crazy Love along with Forgotten God. When Day of Liberation comes in 9 days I plan on reading both of those, along with Captivating, and probably half a dozen more books . I can taste the freedom, and it tastes great.

The only thing I have left to do in AP Lit&Comp is the final, which will be hellish for sure, but the thought is reassuring nonetheless.

I suppose I should work more on my procrastinating problem (which wasn't bad, then got bad, then got good, and is now bad again) and work on my spanish junk for tomorrow, which includes part 2 of 3 of the Final.

Food for thought?

The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom; get insight. Proverbs 4:7

2010: My Favorite Ends.

One of my goals this year is to not procrastinate, and let me tell you how that's going.

Not well, not well at all. I was supposed to do this post about three days ago, but I suppose later is better than never.

Among not procrastinating, worrying less is also on my list of things to do...that hasn't gone too well either. I actually had planned on writing down a list of everything that I wanted to accomplish this year, and I never did do it, which is probably why none of these things (along with the fact that I'm lacking in the self-discipline department) are happening.

So today is my January 1st.

Productivity is probably at an all time low on the actual 1st anyways, because everyone is too tired from staying up all night to really do anything.

The 2nd - well I don't really have a good excuse for not doing this yesterday, but that's besides the point.

Today is January 3rd, and after two days of doing nothing, I am ready to begin my new year.

There are a few things that I really want to do differently from last year, and I'm excited for tomorrow to start so I can really put my new goals and thoughts into practice (it's 10:13 at night right now, so I only have a couple of hours left to do anything, and seeing as how I'm laying in bed...well tomorrow is a better day).

I have a hard time getting into habits, which is both good and bad. Good, because I don't get into bad habits easily. Bad, because I also don't get into good habits either.

I am planning on making reading my Bible a daily habit. I am determined to make this happen. I really think that not being in school for a large part of the time (did I mention I only have to go to that awful place 10 more times?) will help immensely.

I am also hoping to start running again. I really miss it...I'm sick of this cold winter. I need to find a cheap gym.

Along with those things, I am going to restart my budget and tweak it around so that it fits better for me. I'm excited to do this. I'm excited to save money.

But the first thing that I am going to do, the thing I am most excited for, is making some tamales, crocheting scarves, and helping take care of what I'm pretty certain will be the most awesome baby of 2010. I'm going to make Martha Stewart proud.

This year will certainly be different from previous ones, and this is quite exciting to me. I'm looking forward to the new challenges, the growth, and the maturation that will come from the year. I'm mainly looking forward to the fact that for about 7 months of this year I will not be a student. That's a refreshing thought.

Well, it's probably time to accomplish some of goal number 1. and 2 simultaneously (blogging right now was really my way of doing what I like to call productive procrastination).