(un) productivity

Today I am sick. I slept, a lot. Needless to say it has been one of the least productive days that I have had in a long time. I don't like that. I hate getting to the end of a day and having nothing to show for it, and I hate having migraines and being sore and not being able to breathe properly.

Speaking of breathing, I think that it's weird that we can breathe through our nose and our mouth, but it makes sense because they are connected. Why, though, can't we breathe through our ears. That'd be pretty sweet, especially if they didn't get congested whenever you had a cold...I'm just thinking, it'd be weird, but nice.

Anyways, back to my unproductive day. I have a large list of things to do for April, and I'm anxious for April to start so that I can accomplish those things. Since I didn't make a list for March, I've just taken each day as it comes and made semi lists for those days, and have also not accomplished all of those things. March has been a very unproductive, yet extremely busy, month. I did finish reading Crazy Love, though, which I recommend to anyone, and I also bought a study guide on Proverbs because I love Proverbs.

I also realized that I am passionate about these two things: home making and clerical work

I'm such a woman...

I just finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and it was one of the better books that I have read in a while. The love and grace of God is incomprehensible, and our disobedience and apathy towards Him is sad, but we are all guilty of it.

I've been getting frustrated lately, mostly by people, and loving them has been quite a challenge. The truth is, on my own I don't know how to love people the way they need to be loved. I don't know how to show kindness at the (extremely) idiotic statements made by some, but I am called to do so. It has taken me some time to realize that it is only through a changing of my own heart that I'll be able to do so, and that it is God who will do just that.

Tellings of the Heart

You’re the be all, end all

My only exigent

there are the moments

With anticipation rising

I can feel my heart falling,

Falling fast, then raising up

fears receding for a moment

And then the next advancing



Oh, forlorn souls!

On me, you take such pity

Though I can hardly manage

To even mock sympathy



I’ve just my words,

A sharpened tongue

Quick to protect a wary heart

With which I’ve learned

At a young age

Is the key to advancing



I apologize, right now

Though deserving of quite more

For the inconvenient timing

And for always seeking more

There are a few things I love about poetry, the main one being that I am able to get a majority of my frustrations and thoughts out, without having to tell anyone what they are, because quite frankly, ambiguity is much safer than vulnerability. However, sometime within the next week or so I should have a real post, not just a poem. I am planning on tackling the avalanche of junk that has seemed to overtake my room as well, so this should be exciting.

Relief

No need to worry

For time has told it’s tale

And all we thought

Has turned out not

To the dismay of many

No need to be distraught, you see

I’ve made my mind

On a few things

Though others still persist

I cannot help

What my heart wants not

And right now, all is well

It seems a wearing load is

Lifted off, has set us free

To enjoy our reverie

--Jessica Alcantara

Roots

I love vivid dreams. I've been having more of them lately, and I always want to remember them, but I never do. There is only one that I remember in particular and it was probably my favorite.

I was in the mountains somewhere, but all of the colors were enhanced somehow. There was some man there, but I have no idea who. He was petting a coyote. Which is strange, because I absolutely hate coyotes, but he was beckoning me to follow. So I did. But the way the moon and the stars popped out against the black sky, reflected on the lake below was absolutely gorgeous.

I want to see that in real life, I'd rather do without the coyotes. A nice dog would suffice, I think. Either way, I want to go somewhere where I am surrounded by nature and by the beauty of everything that was created by God. Man's creations pale miserably in comparison to the natural surroundings they tear down. Industrialization will always be a kind of ugly to me. The rows and rows of cookie cutter houses with 6 feet separating them will always make me feel as though I cannot breathe.

My mind will likely never be able to fathom the ease with which we, as humans, seem to have in destroying the beauty of this world to make room for our own.

God created this earth, and it was good. I hope that someday I can live somewhere and in a way so that my children will have a full appreciation for this goodness.

Excuse me as I stumble through these awkwardly written words to get to my point. It's the way that I work, but I'll do my best to avoid speaking (or writing) discursively.

I have realized a few things about my life. First being, that it isn't mine. Second being, that until I stop acting like it's mine, I'm going to be discontent.

Life has been something to endure, never something to embrace. I've taken on challenges, pain, and hurt with a vigor, but have left little room to enjoy. Yes, I am strong, but what use is this strength if I have become so used to the challenges, that it is the only thing I allow myself to experience? Even more importantly, what use is this strength if I let it become outweighed by fear.

Strength is important, and the God-given strength that I have has been what enables me to go from one point to the other, but this same strength has become a sort of crutch.

I have been strong, but somewhere along the way I forgot how to be weak, and while strength is important, weakness is too.

Weaknesses remind me that I am a mere human.

Weaknesses remind me that God is stronger.

Weaknesses force me to trust in Him.

Weaknesses force me to realize that I cannot do things on my own.

And honestly, those are hard things to accept.

Somehow, I have let my strength become my weakness, and in fear of losing this strength I have allowed myself to be shut off to scenarios, situations, experiences, anything that reveals that I am weak. I will do this no more.

Slowly, I am learning to be thankful for my weaknesses, because they remind me that God is always bigger, always better. Yes, He will strengthen them, but it is all His doing, and all for His glory. He builds me up so others may see His work. He strengthens me, not to show my abilities, but to show His. If I had no weaknesses, if I do not admit to them, and do not show them, it would be impossible for Him to do this.

And the beginning of wisdom is this

Worried about something? Don't be.

Stressed? Just stop.

My initial reaction to hearing things things is normally to list off half a dozen reasons about why I am justified about worrying (because of course, the problem is big) and stressing (and you know, the problem is just SO complicated). Yet, as of late I've come to the realization, that there is no way that I can truly claim that my faith in God is strong, and do these things.

Think about it, how many times does God direct us to not worry? How often does He tell us to not be afraid? Look at Matthew 6: 25-34, Joshua 1:9, John 14:1, or how about all of those verses in Psalms? Verses that many Christians come across time and time again. We read them, we see them, we know what they mean...when do we start living it? Are our problems so big that God cannot handle them? Are they so complex that God is unable to understand them? Our problems are nothing in comparison to God's wisdom and guidance. There are no circumstances under which my worry is justified. After all, do I not believe in the Most High God? The Creator of All Things? He is all knowing, He is powerful. He is big. So why worry?

And this stress and anxiety? Is it worth it? "An anxious heart weighs a man down" Proverbs 12:25

I know that for me, when I am stressed, I am not joyful. Does God not tell me to be joyful always? To rejoice in everything I do? So if I am being joyful always, rejoicing in everything, why am I stressed? I am not a pretty person when I have stress. I am worn out. I am bitter. I am negative. I am everything that I, as a follower of Christ, should not be. Are my problems so complicated that they merit this negative behavior that does not at all bring glory to God? I think not.

I really think that the root of the problem is this: when we worry and stress, God is not the core of our focus. Thoughts aren't centered on God, they are centered on ourselves. How selfish are we? How selfish am I? To think that anything about myself is so big that it merits a complete lack of obedience towards God's word?

I yearn to be focused solely on God, and I pray that those around me have this same desire. I truly do believe that it isn't until God is the main focus, until our hearts are pointed completely towards Him, that we will be at peace and that we will stop worrying and stop stressing.

Actions speak loud, and I know that I am guilty of having a loud mouth and quiet actions. This should not be the case. A self-centered life is not what we were created for. Believe it, know it, understand it, and most importantly, live it.