Permanency

The idea of consistency and permanency doesn't sit well with me. I have grown up in a home where furniture is always moving, sofas are always changing, even a vehicle was rare to be driven for more than 2 years. Change has always been a part of my life, which I am thankful for because it has given me the ability to say goodbye to things with some amount of ease and it certainly taught me that it was pointless to grow attached to a mere material object that was sure to disappear at some point or another. An acceptance and almost drive towards change does have its downfalls, though.

It is hard for me to grow close to people at times, and I certainly do not expect them to be there in the end. This has saved me from many heartaches and hurts, but it has also prevented me from being able to build long-lasting relationships that can encourage me and help me grow in my walk with God. The idea of a constant God who is always there and who will never leave me is just one more thing that is near impossible for me to grasp. It is hard for me to hold anything in my life as a constant, it is hard for me to trust something to be there forever.

I know that this has definitely been a hindrance in my relationship with God. There are times when my faith in Him falters, when I don't think that He will be there until the end, but I am beginning to realize that this weakness that I have is just one way Satan tries to disband me from God. It is frustrating, but I am certain that I can work through it. Where I am weak, God is strong. Whether I believe it or not is pointless when the fact is that He is and always will be there. My doubts can't change that, and I know that. So instead, I am allowing God to work in my to rid these doubts.

I cannot be successful in life if I am not doing what God has for me, and I cannot do what God has planned for me if I am not willing to trust in Him.

even sinners love

I've been thinking a lot lately about love. Unconditional love, to be more exact. I am in a bible study that is currently going through Luke. One of the chapters that has stuck out to me is Luke 6, specifically verses 27-36.

²⁷"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. ²⁹ To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. ³⁰ Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. ³¹And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

³² "If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. ³³And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. ³⁴And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. ³⁵But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. ³⁶ Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

Reading this, I immediately thought of how I have absolutely failed at being an unconditional lover.

I have read this passage numerous times. I have seen these words, listened to sermons on these words, but never did I think to check that I was applying it. You see, as a church-going Christian, I did what all "good" Christians are to do. I found a group of other "good" Christian friends who I could be close to and who would hold one another accountable and point out weaknesses and strengths and encourage a more genuine and legitimate walk with God. The problem with this is that us Christian's got caught in our Christian bubble. Every so often, another person would be added to the bubble, which was great. However, as it would happen whenever more than one gather together consistently, problems began to arise. People began to hurt one another. Where we were once encouraging and loving towards each other, we became bitter and judgmental. Somehow, our friends, our brothers and sisters in Christ, became our enemies.

God created us in His image. Jesus set an example of how to live. The Holy Spirit dwells in us, guiding and directing us. It is easy to love when that love is reciprocated. It is easy to encourage others who also encourage you. It is easy to be nice and friendly to those that will return it. What isn't easy is to be those things and to do those things to the ones who hurt you, to the ones who seem to make no progress.

God's mercy upon us is incredible. It is something that we could never begin to fathom, yet we too are supposed to have mercy upon one another. We are supposed to LOVE one another, and we are supposed to love unconditionally.

The Bible has made it clear, in my opinion, that there is no justification to show hatred towards one another. There is no justification for an unforgiving heart. Even the most difficult people, we must love. Even the most irritating and obnoxious, we must forgive. The grudges that we hold against one another are not furthering the Kingdom and they certainly are not showing Christ. Love is hard, and choosing to love one another is even harder, but an easy life is not what we have been called to.

You tell me all, but time will tell

And expose the lies you’ve hidden well

Breathe in, the truth

Breathe out, a lie

And keep it all tied very loose

Let one go, snatch it back

I’ve reason to believe

That of all the fools

You are the greatest

I cannot wait until the day

Your empty words come back to haunt you

And you are left with nothing else

Aside from your vices

And the one who claimed to know

Who you threw aside

Who kept on waiting

The only one who is foolish enough

To continue believing

To continue hoping

A pathetic duo

Yes, quite the pair

One a liar, and the other

With nothing to despair

A picture once so beautiful

Now wilted from affairs

Both of the heart and the body

Oh, nothing quite compares

Keep on talking

With succulent words

Passing battered barriers

Keep on speaking

It’s you who needs convincing

Know this, though, that someday

When the night is still

And no one will hear

That it is you who needs fixing

(un) productivity

Today I am sick. I slept, a lot. Needless to say it has been one of the least productive days that I have had in a long time. I don't like that. I hate getting to the end of a day and having nothing to show for it, and I hate having migraines and being sore and not being able to breathe properly.

Speaking of breathing, I think that it's weird that we can breathe through our nose and our mouth, but it makes sense because they are connected. Why, though, can't we breathe through our ears. That'd be pretty sweet, especially if they didn't get congested whenever you had a cold...I'm just thinking, it'd be weird, but nice.

Anyways, back to my unproductive day. I have a large list of things to do for April, and I'm anxious for April to start so that I can accomplish those things. Since I didn't make a list for March, I've just taken each day as it comes and made semi lists for those days, and have also not accomplished all of those things. March has been a very unproductive, yet extremely busy, month. I did finish reading Crazy Love, though, which I recommend to anyone, and I also bought a study guide on Proverbs because I love Proverbs.

I also realized that I am passionate about these two things: home making and clerical work

I'm such a woman...

I just finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and it was one of the better books that I have read in a while. The love and grace of God is incomprehensible, and our disobedience and apathy towards Him is sad, but we are all guilty of it.

I've been getting frustrated lately, mostly by people, and loving them has been quite a challenge. The truth is, on my own I don't know how to love people the way they need to be loved. I don't know how to show kindness at the (extremely) idiotic statements made by some, but I am called to do so. It has taken me some time to realize that it is only through a changing of my own heart that I'll be able to do so, and that it is God who will do just that.

Tellings of the Heart

You’re the be all, end all

My only exigent

there are the moments

With anticipation rising

I can feel my heart falling,

Falling fast, then raising up

fears receding for a moment

And then the next advancing



Oh, forlorn souls!

On me, you take such pity

Though I can hardly manage

To even mock sympathy



I’ve just my words,

A sharpened tongue

Quick to protect a wary heart

With which I’ve learned

At a young age

Is the key to advancing



I apologize, right now

Though deserving of quite more

For the inconvenient timing

And for always seeking more

There are a few things I love about poetry, the main one being that I am able to get a majority of my frustrations and thoughts out, without having to tell anyone what they are, because quite frankly, ambiguity is much safer than vulnerability. However, sometime within the next week or so I should have a real post, not just a poem. I am planning on tackling the avalanche of junk that has seemed to overtake my room as well, so this should be exciting.

Relief

No need to worry

For time has told it’s tale

And all we thought

Has turned out not

To the dismay of many

No need to be distraught, you see

I’ve made my mind

On a few things

Though others still persist

I cannot help

What my heart wants not

And right now, all is well

It seems a wearing load is

Lifted off, has set us free

To enjoy our reverie

--Jessica Alcantara